Asking Your Partner for Support

Many of us during the perinatal period have certain wants, needs, boundaries, preferences, or other aspects that we hope to communicate during pregnancy in preparation to our birth and postpartum. And likely the person who hears those the most is our partner. However, regardless of if they hear you, are they really listening and understanding what you are needing and wanting. This article will give you some tips to ensure your values and expectations are communicated appropriately and not ignored, dismissed or misunderstood.

Your partners typically have the best intentions but may respond in a way that comes from fear, uncertainty, or other narratives that are influencing their ability to see your view. The best way for them to support us, is for us to support them in understanding the basic what, when, where, how, who and why questions. Additionally, they need to understand that birth is an investment, just like a wedding or home purchase. They should have the same level of financial fluidity for birth as they do for those other events.

Set time aside in your second or third trimester for you and your partner to have a serious conversation about labor, birth and postpartum. It is important that they feel informed and empowered for what YOU want, and not be combative in situations that may seem scary or uncertain.

THE BASIC QUESTIONS

WHAT?

What are your preferences, what do you want your birth to look like, what do you need to feel educated, safe and empowered, what can he do to support you when you are in labor, what can he do to support you in postpartum.

WHERE?

Where do you want to labor, where do you want to birth, where do you want yourself set up in those few days after baby arrives?

WHEN?

When should he step in, when should he advocate for what you want, when should you call the doctor, when should you call your support team, when do you want visitors, when do you want others to hold the baby.

WHO?

Who do you want present at your birth, who do you NOT want present, who do you want on your support team, who do you want to visit the hospital, or home once you are there. Who is your “go to” person if you are not feeling well in postpartum?

HOW?

How can he help you in labor, how can he make it more peaceful, how can he advocate when he needs to because you are in your body in active labor, how can he best prepare the house and meals for postpartum. Not just WHAT but HOW is important.

WHY?

Why do these things matter to you, why is it important to discuss beforehand and not during or after, why is it necessary for you to communicate all of this to him/her specifically.

What would you add to this list?